Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Process over perfection

So, let's talk about an issue here.  And as we talk, I'll intersperse some random Easter pics, okay?  Because a blog post without pictures is boring.  Here's the issue: sometimes I don't blog for a very long time.   As Mom said the other day, "You blog in spurts."  So true.

Aaron hates these kind of pictures. Can you tell by his smile?  I'm sure I said something ridiculous like, "But babe, it's Easter!"

There's this pressure I feel when it comes to blogging.  I think this pressure is self created.  Aaron reminds me often that I judge myself through other's eyes.  I assume people are feeling a certain way about me/the way I do things, but really they are not.  Here's why I feel pressure:

1) I started this blog during an intense season of my life (hello living in Kolkata), and I had a lot to write about what the Lord was teaching me.  Now, I don't have as many deep or heartwrenching or in-your-face experiences, and I feel sort of dumb blogging about everyday life.

2)  I was an English major in college, and while I now realize that this degree does not open many practical employment opportunities, I should, at the very least, be able to write a good blog!!!

I feel like I am going through a season of rediscovering my vision for life.  What does this have to do with blogging?  I'm not sure, but I'll try to enunciate the connection.

Wow, Dad, thanks for capturing this precious moment.

I was trying to explain the vision void to Aaron as we drove home from my grandparent's house today.  I am in this weird limbo season of coming close to the finish line of the ministry that's been our life for three years and not knowing what's next and then there's the mommy card.  Most of the blogs I read are written by mommies.  Mommies with a beautiful purpose of raising up arrows for Christ.  I really do want to be a Mom at some point in my life.  Whether through adoption or birth.  Most of my friends are having babies right now. I feel this pressure (going back to the weird, created pressure I put on myself) to join the club. Like this is the stage of life where I am supposed to start having babies.  Like it's been three years and that is long enough, now get busy.  (Only a few people have mentioned our childless state; I really do think that I am creating the pressure...don't be afraid to talk about babies around us; we  do love them!)  I read the Mommy blogs, and I think, "Wow, what a ministry they are having in their own home; what a difference they are making; they are moms, and they are gosh darn cute!"

I asked Aaron in the car today, "Where do we stand with having kids?"  The basic summary is that we're both not quite ready to start a family.  As I fretted over how other people would perceive that, he gently reminded me (again) that our story is not anyone's but our own: that we serve an intensely intimate and personal God who writes all our stories with wildly different lines, but with one grand Purpose.  That is beautiful.

So hmm.  I'm not sure I have reached a conclusion.  But there are my thoughts tonight.  Honestly, the blogs I enjoy best are not the ones meticulously crafted by an over-achieving English major :), but  those real-life, every-day bits kind.  Because no one's life is staged.

Maybe I'm entering a new stage of blogging.

Real-life.

This is my life, and I don't know right now what makes me passionate or excited, and I grow weary and weak in His field (thank you Andrew Peterson for that line), and I want be a FULLY ALIVE woman, but I am okay with that being a process.





That's all.

Is it okay to write from the process?

I want to.

2 comments:

  1. I like this a lot because I can relate with the pressure I feel to blog. I just haven't wanted to do it lately even though I feel this intense need and somehow a bit of failure over the fact that I've been slacking on documenting things in our lives...oh well. I'm in a process too and I don't know exactly what it is right now, but it's something. I think you should just blog about life...thoughts...and such. I like just hearing real thoughts from people even if they are just that. Does that make sense? And it is okay that you are not ready to have children. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm ready and then I realize I already have 2 of them. :) I think you'll either know when you are ready or God will make it obvious in His timing. Believe me, I know. :)

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