Tuesday, September 27, 2011

notes from the grieving hour

Various journalings and quotes from the last week. Transparent and raw and still the middle of the story. The ending is yet to come. Praise Him.

"Yesterday was a hard day with thinking about my dear ones moving. I broke into tears several times. Jesus, this feels like a breakup or a death. The sorrow of losing that person from everyday life. It sucks. I am not sure I want this part of following You. I've always read Your words in the gospels about forsaking family as going--and I came to a place of surrender in saying, 'I will go, I will give up that comfort and that gift and the security of family for You, Jesus.' But I guess in the going, I felt it was still my choice a little, and here, there is no choice. The being left is the part I did not reckon for.

Oh what new things do You want to teach us, Lord--the new sacrifice, the new cut, the new ache--these are to conform us to Your image. I know in the end, though I wrestle and grapple, the only answer left to me is the 'yes.' Yes, I have counted the cost of being left, and You and Your Kingdom are still worth it.

Please bring me to that place soon. It is so hard. But You know. You know the going (Incarnation) and the being left (naked on a cross)."

"Since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity." (Heb 2:14)

"He had to be made like His brothers in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest." (Heb 2:17)

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need." (Heb 4:16)

"What if they die?
What if I never see them again?
What if they hurt?
What if they forget me?

Was it worth it to love them? Absolutely. I would not take back a single day of loving them, being near them. Though it will rip harder, it is worth it.

Go before them, O God of Jacob. You who prepare the way for thousands of years, go before them. And make them as strong and courageous as Joshua."

"I sobbed three times today. The memories of those precious ones are everywhere. Yesterday, I asked You,

WHY? Why do You have to use people to accomplish the spread of Your Kingdom? Why couldn't You just use angels or visions or whatever? There's infinite ways You could think of. You're God.

Why does it have to be lives, four lives that matter very much to a small circle left in a small town in North America?

The Kingdom of God advances through sacrifice and tears
and hearts breaking
and even blood.

I do not know why this is the template, but it is."

"God's economy is strange....But I am a catechized lady and I know: He is He who fills the shuttle, who plies the loom, and has a billion strands to weave into His tapestry. Here are Rachel and Leah on one level, conniving and competing for Jacob's love. And when the smoke clears, here is God on another level, and the 12 tribes of Israel standing all in a row. He is building His kingdom. I know it in my head...and I would trade all of that sanctification just to have you back for one day. But that's because I'm finite and sinful and see but through a glass darkly." (Andree Seu)

"I believe you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
It's gonna be all right
It's gonna be all right" (Sara Groves)

1 comment:

  1. That Sara Groves song has a lot of meaning for me too..it's what I played over and over after Matt and I broke up.
    I'm sorry you're hurting...we love you!
    P.S. I just saw you rode the amtrak! yay for you guys! I love riding the train!